Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
goldfish mafia
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving