flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
guys i’ve cracked the code
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it