Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.