I’m tired tomorrow.
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
No. YOU-buprofen.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents