[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
You Might Also Like
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE