Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial