How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.