When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
There is wisdom there.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.