Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Every photo I’m tagged in
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL