You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?