People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
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I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Attacked by a mop.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Oh deer
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”