My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler