My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
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meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.