My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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Have a lovely day 😊
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Ain’t no way
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
me as a parent
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane