absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
They grow up so quick
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
✌️
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
President The Rock Obama
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.