Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy