[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Oh, I bet you would be
Room with a view.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?