Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.