I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.