CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
You Might Also Like
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
the battle rages on
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention