[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Safety first
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.