It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.