Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?