I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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be careful
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I think my mom just blocked me
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”