8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
You Might Also Like
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.