succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Meeeee too!
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.