“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Acronyms got me like WTF?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news