My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
You Might Also Like
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?