“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*