I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.