ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.