The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Can Happiness buy money?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
im 7 sauces long
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.