I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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Most fashion shows these days…
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!