I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Netflix and awkward silence?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.