Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Florida man