Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
That’s amazing.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back