3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
You Might Also Like
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Story of my life…..
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE