{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby