You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Brother?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.