Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?