Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
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This week’s mood.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Choose your fighter
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Growing out my freckles.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..