*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*