Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Love it! 👍😂
But that’s none of my business
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
what it’s like dating me:
ME (calling my horse with no name):
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.