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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
who wore it better?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?