If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
This sounds bad:
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.