Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
He-man has a Masters degree