Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My wife gives the best headache.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.