[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
You Might Also Like
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?