I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Goat cheese is for herders.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.