quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
You Might Also Like
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again